Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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