You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You made out with two different species that night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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