You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
