I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
