Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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