Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
