yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
