walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
