ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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