i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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