...so i touched it.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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