yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
