my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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