Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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