He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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