I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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