so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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