sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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