i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
