I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
