doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
