TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
