all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
