There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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