Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
