i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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