Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
