Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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