well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize