when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
