no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
