I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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