even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
