I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
