I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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