8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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