Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
