therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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