Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
