Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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