we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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