i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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