He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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