If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
