it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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