when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
