Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
