Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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