from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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