I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
