i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize