And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
