just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
