We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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