Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Let's get the cat blown out
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize