You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
