perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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