Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
