I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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