Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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