Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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