If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
