tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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