beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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