I wish my penis had an off switch
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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